Comment Wall
Comment wall for my storybook project, https://sites.google.com/view/thefallofbritain/home
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| Battle of Camlann - from the game Fate/Grand Order |
An Introduction to Some Nerd
The first thing post people say after I tell them my major is some variant of "Why?". "Why would you do that to yourself?" is a common one I get. My major being Mathematics. The other most common thing I get is "Ew, I hate math." It's always nice and peachy to be told by someone you just met that they hate your entire field. Despite the multiple all-nighters, mind-meltingly difficult concepts, and multiple nearly failed classes, I still love my degree and math as a whole. The sheer beauty and connectedness of it all is unique and intricate, almost like getting to see the hidden truths of the universe. Of course, some days, it can be like trying to use a brick to turn a screw, but I try not to think too hard about those. Enough about math, more about me! I'm Gage Robelen, in my last semester of college here at OU, and a tremendous nerd for most things. I'm from Moore, Oklahoma, I'm 20 years old, and I can turn my feet around backwards. My i...
Hey Gage! Your storybook is off to an amazing start. Within it you expressed concern that the story might be a little too dark in the beginning. I feel the exact oposite. The story was intriguing and kept my interest due to how dark the beginning was. I felt like I was there with your characters and I also enjoyed the spurt of hope that you concluded with. Remember with quoted speech. if you have your quote and then the attribution to the character make sure you change the period into a comma for example, "Quote( , )" I said. This will aid your writing and make the story flow a little better. Clarification is also needed when you say, "He scoffed..." who is the he in this sentence? other than those few things I find this to be a very captivating story and look forward to reading more from you.
ReplyDeleteHi Gage,
ReplyDeleteI would like to start by saying that the short description on your home page is very well written. That coupled with the picture and the "this is not a happy story" warning, was enough to draw my attention.
Your introduction to the storybook is very well crafted. Your writing style with its orchestra of details provides outstanding imagery for the reader. It also lays the groundwork of what the storybook is about and gives you an idea of what comes next.
You do a very good job of attracting the attention of the reader, not only the story but the storybook. I beg to differ with your comments in your author's notes about the story being extremely dark. Personally, I don't think it is dark at all. Anyways, I'm curious about the next part of the story.
I look forward to reading more of this storybook project.
Hey, Gage!
ReplyDeleteRight off the bat, your intro page sets a super intense tone. The opening statement (especially with how you formatted it to be isolated) hooked me right off the bat, and left me wondering how exactly things were going to get so bleak. I also like how you continue to use these short, punchy sentences as the opening for the first story. It's a really quick way to get some instant investment from your reader and I thought it was effective.
The choice to write about "the villain" and spin King Arthur into the mad one is great. These sort of "other perspective" stories are always refreshing and they provide a point of view that we don't normally even consider. Good work.
I'm left wondering what exactly is going to happen because of your cliffhanger. How is Mordred going to find himself at the Roundtable? How are you going to handle aging him, since he's so young right now? Will we get a showdown between Arthur and Mordred? Will you split off from Arthurian legend and make Mordred the top dog at the end of the day?
I'm excited to read the next installment in Mordred's rise to fame/infamy!
Hey Gage! I really, really enjoyed getting to read your story. I think you took a very new, fresh angle on one of the most classic and easily recognizable stories in the British cannon and really took creative freedom with it and made it your own, while still paying respect and homage to the original story. That's really tough to do and you did it pretty flawlessly! I really enjoyed the use of a cliffhanger, too, because I am really into a reading that is engaging and fun. I was also really drawn to all of the warnings on your page stating that the story will not end happily for our "hero" and it is really enticing for a reader to hear that and want to know what truly happens, especially when they are no longer sure of an ending of a story they thought they knew. Great job!
ReplyDeleteHi Gage,
ReplyDeleteWhat a great story! I found it very intriguing and creative. I would never have thought to approach the tale from Mordred's perspective but it was extremely well done. As far as the technical side goes, your website looked good and I liked the pictures you chose. I couldn't find a link to your comment wall so you might double check to make sure there is one. Also, your picture links are showing up as text and not a link, that may just be on my end but you might check that as well.
There was one confusing sentence I noticed in the second story: "Each other mock soldier I had performing difficult tasks suited to their person". If you reworded it, I think it would be clearer. Also, I agree that the father's character is a bit hard to understand. It seems he is training Mordred because he doesn't like King Arthur but perhaps a bit more speaking on his part could explain that? Or, maybe Mordred could be more passionate in the quest since Arthur tried to kill him as a baby? Either way could work.
Overall, I liked your writing style and the way you framed your stories. Despite the topic being a popular one, you have taken a unique approach to it with your retelling. I am eager to see what happens next!
-Elyse
Hey Gage,
ReplyDeleteI wanted to first say that wow, you truly are a fan of mythology. I can tell this because these two stories are absolutely phenomenal. I can not believe that most of this is original content. I also really liked the titles and feel that they flow really well together for the storybook. I really think that the introduction in to your first story does a great job of catching the reader's attention. I read it and at first pondered whenever my first memory every was. I think that single question kept me interested throughout the stories entirety. I am wondering if you are planning on adding another part to this story and whether or not he will defeat the king that killed so many. Speaking of the king, I think it is important to develop the villian and hero early on in the story. You did that very well, as I immediately had hatred for the king from the beginning of the story. Another thing that really caught my attention, was the lingo and diction that you used. There were many words that I had to look up to understand the story, but I felt it contributed to the plot and realism. I am really looking forward to reading the next story (and seeing what the title is haha). I am going to turn on my notifications so please let me know when you update it again. Great job!
Hi Gage,
ReplyDeleteI don't believe I've ever read a story of your's before. I just finished reading Drown and have to say that I was incredibly impressed with your writing abilities. That coupled with the cool "warning" I read on theme page really worked well to draw me into your Storybook. I am assuming that the other stories will be a continuation of drown and Mordred's journey. I hope so! This is a great topic to cover and your do such a great job of telling the stories. Additionally, I really enjoyed the first person accounts, especially from the perspective of a month-old baby. How unique! It really pulled me into the story and definitely allowed me to experience along with Mordred what he must have been feeling. Great utilization of imagery! I also really appreciate how you were able to keep it somewhat short. I can be pretty longwinded and have found that this is a problem I am running into with my own stories. I hope to be able to be as concise as you are. Great job and can't wait to read more of your stories!
Hello, Gage!
ReplyDeleteLet me start off by saying that the little synopsis that you have on your homepage is surprisingly short. Yet despite its short length, I am already intrigued by what your Storybook has in store for us. I must say that I am a sucker for any stories that involve swords, so I think that I am really going to enjoy your stories!
I think you are off to a great start on your stories! You did an incredible job of establishing some sort of backstory for our main protagonist, who I assume is Mordred. I am curious to know how the adopted father knew that Mordred was the only one that could save them from the Mad King. By the sound of it, the adopted father seems to believe that King Arthur was mad for believing the oracle that stated that his downfall was amongst the children that were murdered. Is the father relying on the information from the oracle as well?
Overall, you have an interesting story so far! Keep up the good work!
Hey Gage, I just want to start of by saying that the very first sentence in your introduction is what pulled me in to your project. Such a simple yet powerful and extremely enticing sentence. Your website is very simple, but I like it. It's to the point and it serves the purpose it's meant to serve. Now onto your stories. I really, really enjoyed them. The way you set the scene is nice, and it allows the reader to fully dive into your story. It really brings your story alive, at least in my opinion. Another thing is the tone with which you tell your stories. It is very casual, very colloquial. A very safe and comfortable tone that is not at all intimidating or threatening. This tone, plus the dark subject at hand made the stories very fun to read. The last thing I want to mention are your author notes. I absolutely love your notes. The way you hint to the next chapter with dark humor is the best. I am a huge fan of dark and dry humor so your project was definitely right up my alley. Keep up the great work, man. I look forward to reading your stuff in the future.
ReplyDeleteHey there Gage,
ReplyDeleteYour story was really great read, and I really enjoyed the effort you put into this story. I like the fresh and different angle you took of the original classic stories, and really put on your creative cap and went to town making this story really your own. I can tell you enjoyed righting this story, because it was an enjoyable read for the student reading the story just as much! It was very clever of you to utilize a cliff hanger because this makes the reader want to know the ending even more, but they will have to come back to find out. It was also unique and cool your use of the warning like kind of cushioning the readers emotions before they even began to read the story. This was a very unique and cool writing style and I look forward to reading more of your stories.
Hi Gage,
ReplyDeleteI actually know almost nothing about King Arthur/Mordred, so I was pretty shocked by your opening scene of all the babies drowning. It was definitely dark, but I think it sets the scene for your storybook which I like. Another thing I really like is your author's notes. They do a really good job of explaining your tone and methods behind your writing. I also like that in your second author's note you posed some questions you have that you would like specific advice for in your writing. What a great strategy! I will say in terms of the father's motives being unclear I kind of agree. Since the story is told in first person from Mordred's perspective it is kind of hard to understand other character's motivations or thoughts if they don't have a lot of dialogue. Personally, I think the story could use a little more dialogue between father and son.For the knight who meets him at the tournament, your dialogue does a really good job of characterizing him as dismissive and rude. So something like that for the father would definitely be good! I'm excited to learn more!
Hello, Gage!
ReplyDeleteI really like the look of your website--it really fits the epic and somber mood of your stories! You did a fantastic job at introducing readers for Mordred, his origin, and his father. I am not very familiar with Mordred or the King Arthur stories but have always thought that King Arthur was the good guy--but apparently I was wrong (at least, he doesn't stay the good guy). I am really interested to read more of Mordred's story (also, his name basically is "more dread," which I find funny and fitting) and see how he saves Britain from the Mad King Arthur! One small detail--in the beginning of the first story, it says "begin" when I think it should be "began". Other than that (a really minor type, really), these stories are perfect! I look forward to learning more about the Arthurian legend/s through your storybook! Great job with this and I can't wait to see what your finished project looks like!
Hi Gage,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all I'd like to say that the layout of your website looks incredible. I love the images you chose. It definitely sets a certain distinct mood and tone that translates well into your stories so great job on connecting all those tiny pieces together! I believe that I have had the opportunity to read your first story and was super excited to be able to read your other story this week. It was really great. I love that each of your stories feel like I am reading a novel. I really become so enthralled in the characters and the plot, especially since your stories are told from the first person point of view. This is such a great tactic to ue to allow your audience to put themselves in the shoes of the principal characters. Fantastic job setting a distinct mood and setting. I completely felt as if I was apart of the story. I hope to check back and see what your completed Storybook look likes soon!
Hey Gage,
ReplyDeleteI have previously heard some stories about King Arthur, but you did a great job describing it for those who don't have any knowledge. Something that I really enjoyed was that the stories were not too wordy. I often times feel like my own writing sometimes uses too many words and makes it not as enjoyable to the reader. Not sure if you made a point to do this, but you did a great job. I also really like how the images that you used go very well with the stories. I also really liked how you used first person point of view to add a new a distinct style of storytelling. I think it is cool to understand how the characters think and it allows us to get to know the character even better than usual. I also think that your author's note make your storybook very different from others. I like how you use it as a cliffhanger to create excitement and suspense. Your small but detailed hints really make the reader want to know what is going to happen next. I can not think of any suggestions that I have that people have not hit on in the comments. Keep doing what you are doing and I hope your semester is going great. I look forward to coming back to your page and seeing what changes and revisions you make.
Hey Gage!
ReplyDeleteWhat a cool start to your stories! The interesting but very sad beginning really sucked me into the story. The character's voice really came through when he was recounting his very first memory. I can hear how conflicted he is with his existence already. I really like the idea of taking something that hasn't really been addressed before and creating their story. It takes a lot of creativity to do this. I totally agree with how you ended the first story as well. I think it is the perfect way to keep the reader going. Keep up the great work!
Hi Gage,
ReplyDeleteI was really excited to come back to your storybook. It's so unique and your writing style really stands out. Again I was super impressed with the way you were able to really convey Mordred's personality in your first-person narration. To answer the question you posed in your author's note, I like that you had Mordred prove he was the heir to King Arthur. I feel like that does a good job of continuing the conflict between Mordred and King Arthur. There is the original conflict with the baby drowning in your first story but I feel like this plot point does a really good job of reinforcing why Mordred hates King Arthur. Without it, it would be easy to seem like King Arthur is not fully to blame. I will say that your last paragraph kind of feels like a lot of information really thrown in there quickly without a lot of explanation.
Hey Gage!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, well done! This is my first time getting to look through your storybook this semester. I picked it out as my third one cause of the name, and I am so glad I did!
The dark tone and layout of your blog’s homepage does a great job of setting the scene. I also really liked how you gave the reader fair warning about what lay ahead. It was a great touch.
I looked over all of the stories but spent the most time on the first one. I think you did a really great job of not only framing the story, but also for setting the tone. Each of the pieces flowed together very naturally.
It was really helpful of you to flesh out Mordred as a character. There is a lot of mystery around him in the Arthur legends, and I think most of the time he gets written off as a simple villain when in reality he is much more complex.
Well done!
Hi Gage! I really like the way your website looks. It is very professional and top quality work! Great work having an introduction to what is going to be on the website. I instantly am able to find out what your 3 stories are going to be about before I even get to them. Your titles are short and sweet which I think is a big plus. Someone who would be visiting the site would instantly have an idea of what is going on. The Fall of Britain is such an interesting title for the blog also. It leaves the reader wondering what could even be happening. I initially get the idea of a huge battle that will happen. I like how you tell the story from the first person. I wish I had thought of that idea when I was writing my stories. Overall great work and good luck with the last few weeks!
ReplyDeleteHey howdy again Gage!
ReplyDeleteWoah. You have a lot of really interesting things going on with this project. From the very first page I was intrigued and wanted to know more about your stories. I was a little confused as to if I had ended up on the wrong page- navigation wise- but the clearly linked stories listed in order like that fixed that right up. I think the dark theme is a change from what we usually see on these blogs and I can image it makes for a pretty creative pool from which to pull ideas and inspiration from. As a fellow King Arthur fan I was stoked once I found out where the stories were going. By the same light (ha!) I am a big fan of the theme throughout the three stories. In a meta way, in the sense that each one can essentially stand alone as a story, but when laid out in the way that you have, can be read as one conduscive piece. Awesome job!
Hey Gage,
ReplyDeleteIt has been really cool and fun to be able to watch your storybook grow, develop, and evolve into what it is now throughout the entirety of the semester. The first thing readers will see is your website, before they even get into the complexities of the stories and their origins/inspirations. The website is set up in a way that complements your storybook so well and gives the reader a complete picture of what the whole storybook will be like, which lends itself to creating a really cool, immersive, and continuous piece of entertainment. I really like how detailed your stories are, as well! Your descriptions and diction really create a world for a reader to get lost in and enjoy the story almost as a participant and not a distant spectator. Great work this semester!!!
Hey there Gage!
ReplyDeleteWow, your story is incredible. What a dramatic storytelling style, and an interesting twist. So often in folklore, King Arthur and his men are seen as epic heroes of legend, men with many admirable qualities. I love how you didn't change a thing about their actions but simply shifted the perspective to the common people, and they become monsters whose selfish decisions are ruining the kingdom. Instead of Mordred being the villain who brings down a noble king, he's a compelling hero (or anti-hero?) who embraces his destiny to free the kingdom from Arthur's irrational whims. The final battle is climactic, and the tragic ending is beautifully written and powerful. Well done! It was awesome to read!
-Kate
Hi Gage!
ReplyDeleteYour story was absolutely amazing! I wandered over from the Epics of India page to the Myth-Folklore page and I have not been disappointed at all. I liked the beginning with how you made it from the perspective of a young babe. All of your stories were clean and well put together. They also all fit together from story to story as if you wrote them all at once. There was a steady progression as the stories went on and the battle scene at the end was climatic. I believe my favorite was "Seize" because it express is distaste for the simple trivial things and put an emphasis on his plan at the end. As for the formatting of your page, I really like it. It is clean and easy to follow. Also, your pictures fit really well with the stories and I really liked all of them. I only wish that we could see what his adopted father thought after he became a knight. I would like to especially know because even Mordred couldn't tell himself. All in all, I think you did an absolutely beautiful job in constructing this website and story! Good luck on finals!
This is a lovely storybook. I found myself enticed from Mordred upbring to his claiming of the throne, though I was a bit confused by the end of it all. See, from what I understood, it seems King Arthur just up and left with an army to fight France or whatnot, and Mordred just sorta walked in and claimed the throne while he was gone. I hope that's the way you wanted us to perceive it. In my opinions, it's not climactic enough. Arthur knew Mordred was his son but just didn't care. How did Mordred get control of Arthur's armies? I have a lot of questions. Overall I enjoyed reading it and the storybook flowed very well. I think seeing Mordred from childhood to adulthood, even though we don't get to know many other characters, was enough to drive the story forward. Amazing job and good luck the rest of the semester!
ReplyDeleteHey Gage,
ReplyDeleteYour storybook is a delight to look at and also to read! The website layout is seriously so great! The images really reflect the lore of the storybook and really allow the reader to get a sense of what is happening before they even get to read a story. It really contributes to making a whole and complete experience out of the storybook project, which I feel is really the goal of this project overall, so great work there! The stories are so engaging and descriptive and really contribute to creating an entire atmosphere and small world within the story, and that is not an easy thing to do! I hope you enjoyed making this because it's great, and I hope you're ready for your finals upcoming!
Hello Gage,
ReplyDeleteThis is my second time visiting your profile. I first visited it at the beginning of the semester and really enjoyed your story. After seeing the completed storybook, all I have is wow! I found the story to be intriguing and captivating. Your grammar is very clean, and I really like your writing style. You have a way of creating very detailed imagery in your story. I really liked the ending of the story, is not a happy ending, but that does not mean that it is not a good ending. I also liked the way you put your parting notes in a separate page. It is not only a good way to wrap up the last story, but to wrap up the entire storybook. The only advice that I could give you is replacing the hyperlinked text with buttons. I think the website would look a lot cleaner with that.
Other than, really nice project! Good luck on the finals. Have a safe trip and good luck with graduate school!